


Doctor Mother's Favorite Game

by Dysfortune



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27123119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dysfortune/pseuds/Dysfortune
Summary: Doctor Mother is a very evil person and has a very evil plan for Cauldron game night.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19
Collections: play stupid games win stupid prizes





	Doctor Mother's Favorite Game

Doctor Mother was evil.

She steepled her fingers.

(Because that’s the sort of thing you’re supposed to do when you’re evilly contemplating things.)

When she was younger, she had helped a young child kill an alien. She had hoped it would lead to a war that would result in countless trillions dead throughout the galaxy, but it had accidentally ended up being one of the most good things anyone had ever done. It was so good that she had spent the entire rest of her life trying to make up for it.

She had manipulated an entire Earth to create the most corrupt and bureaucratic (a synonym for evil) institutions possible. She had repeatedly had her underlings dump dangerous, world-conquering or world-ending threats into other realities instead of just killing them so that her evil would stretch throughout the multiverse.

Of course, it wasn’t all about the macro-scale evil. Sometimes she would abuse her position of authority to screw with the lives of random people too. There was one girl with feathers whose trial she set up as a sham so the girl would go to jail for life, just for the callousness of it (the girl wrote happy pop songs that Doctor Mother hated, but that was just a bonus). In one particularly evil plan, she had ordered Contessa to pretend to be some random girl’s mother for 13 years before faking her death in a car accident, traumatizing the girl and probably giving her a lifelong phobia of cell phones. As a teenage girl without a cell phone, the local high school would doubtless finish what Doctor Mother started and propel the girl to world-shattering levels of suffering.

She had created vials (she’d wanted to call them smoothies at first, but Contessa had informed her that the evil conspiracy sound of ‘vials’ was superior to the capitalistic pathos of ‘smoothies’) so putrid that anyone who tasted them screamed for minutes straight and afterwards declared the experience to be the most painful thing that had ever happened to them. She had fed vials to thousands and thousands of people – maybe even millions by now. Doctor Mother felt a great black happy feeling welling within her stomach at the thought of that much suffering. But that wasn’t even the best part.

The best part was that the vials sometimes made people hideous. She liked to imagine the process as her beating the person up until they had a broken, crooked nose, a messed-up distorted facial structure, and all sorts of physical deformities through the rest of their body – in short, so they looked like David. Except even uglier. Uglier than you would have even thought possible. One of her vials had mutated someone into a disembodied head attached to a mass of tentacles. Another one had mutated someone into a human-shaped egg. An egg! Imagine how many terrible puns he must hear! It took real evil to subject someone to a lifetime of bad humor.

One of Doctor Mother’s proudest moments was when she had invented the Nemesis Program. She would brainwash the people who had turned ugly after drinking her vials so that they would fail at whatever they were doing whenever they heard a certain word, then she would release them near another vial drinker and sell that person the code word. There were soooo many evil things about that plan. Doctor Mother delightedly counted them on her fingers. One, brainwashing people: all the cool evil people did it. Two, making people fail at whatever they were doing. For fun, she had made some of the code words really popular words that the brainwashed people probably heard all the time so that their lives would be a constant fugue of failure and misery (imagining the head and tentacles girl try to cook when the word ‘recipe’ made her flail about uselessly was hilarious). Three, selling evil information to other people, since everyone knew that selling things was evil. She didn’t even need the money! She had bought a few dozen yachts with the money she made from that plan, just to make the money-making part even more evil.

But possibly the best part of the whole scheme was that it put her into contact with other evil people. She talked about the Nemesis Program with moral people too so they would feel bad by association, but the real perk was the unparalleled worldwide network of evil she had created. There was one evil client who used his powers to create alternate realities where he regularly tortured everyone around him: enemies, friends, accomplices, employees, all of them. Sometimes he’d even talk cordially to them at the same time in the real world! It was so deliciously evil that Doctor Mother had declared that her corrupt government organizations would covertly protect him and allow him to complete his evil plan.

Doctor Mother had derived plenty of ideas for even more evil acts by spying on the members of her web. But right now she was contemplating the lesson she had learned from an evil billionaire who had trapped puppies, kittens, and later scrawny kids on his private island before hunting them down. Before giving the humans a head start, he monologued to them (classic evil move) about how he was now hunting “the most dangerous game”. From him, Doctor Mother had learned that the quality of a person’s evil is based on the most powerful people they can be evil to. And Doctor Mother knew some very powerful people.  


Doctor Mother walked into the Cauldron meeting room and surveyed the people sitting around the table. Eidolon, Alexandria, and Legend, the three most powerful people anyone on Earth Bet knew about. Contessa, so powerful that no one on Earth Bet knew about her. The Number Man, the nerdiest person on any Earth. They were all sitting there because she had told them the meeting started 15 minutes ago, forcing them to stew in each other’s company for longer than necessary. But now, it was finally time for the evilest plan of her life.

“This week,” Doctor Mother said, speaking slowly so that Legend could understand, “We are going to play Monopoly.”


End file.
